Mothers & Daughters

Words by Danielle Pender. Photography by Shana Jade Trajanoska.

Mother and daughter relationships are notoriously fraught. At once the protector and the giver of life, the mother figure can quickly become an overbearing force that daughters feel the need to escape from. Whole archetypes have evolved from this difficult dynamic – the toxic mother, the overbearing mother, the tiger mom, the helicopter mom, distant mothers, wicked step-mothers.

At the other end of the scale and at its best this pivotal relationship can be one that provides crucial support and unconditional love.

Most of us, if we’re lucky, land somewhere in the middle. Fluctuating between annoying triggers and moments of deep connection, love and trust. We love and hate our mothers at any one time, sometimes on the same day, sometimes within the same breath.

She is the first person you ring when you’re in trouble and the last person you want to speak to when you’re tired. She knows you better than you know yourself and it drives you wild. She can push your buttons like no one else and it’s her voice that you hear in your head when you’re spending money you haven’t got. No matter how much you try to override her influence she’s difficult to escape.

Being a mother is hard work though. You birth this child, you give them everything you can, you want the best for them, you want to protect them, you want to teach them everything they need to know and then you have to let them go out into the world to make their own mistakes as you stand by and watch – because daughters never listen.

In between the heartache and hard work, there can be moments of pure joy and deep intimacy. A love and bond unlike any other. An umbilical connection that never wanes no matter how far mother and daughter are from each other.

With families separated due to the pandemic, some for over a year we explore the close bond of some women through the intimate portraits of New York photographer Shana Jade Trajanoska.

“To me, a mother-daughter relationship, beyond the love and adventure and fear and pain, is a never-ending series of lessons with lots of what seem like moments of intergenerational déjà vu.

My mother is still alive, so there are three generations of us, and I can see so much of my mom in myself and myself in my daughter. I’m gaining a greater understanding of and compassion for my mother through my relationship with my daughter. That’s a real gift.”

Alyssa

Shana started the project in 2018 after reading a quote from When the Drummers Were Women: A Spiritual History of Rhythm by Layne Redmond, she explains, “I wanted to create a body of work that I could connect with. Then I saw this quote which sent me on a new path, ‘All of the eggs a woman will ever carry form in her ovaries while she is a four-month-old fetus in the womb of her mother. This means our cellular life as an egg begins in the womb of our grandmother. We vibrate to the rhythms of our mother's blood before she herself is born.’ This understanding confirmed for me how intelligent and sacred women and our bodies are. It brought into focus the magnitude of the mother-daughter relationship. I immediately needed to translate this through photography.”

“All of the eggs a woman will ever carry form in her ovaries while she is a four-month-old fetus in the womb of her mother... We vibrate to the rhythms of our mother’s blood before she herself is born.”

After conceiving what she wanted the project to be, Shana set about casting women she knew personally and then widened her search via social media, eventually travelling to Australia and Macedonia to capture honest moments between mothers and daughters. A personal experience also inspired the initial idea for the project. “My most treasured memory is when I convinced my grandmother, mother, and older sister to do a classic family portrait session at the photo studio where I was interning. It turned out to be one of the funniest and now most cherished moments we shared. The portraits from that session are some of the last photographs we have altogether. It brings me so much joy.”

The underlying complexities of the inter-generational relationships were never lost of Shana, and it was this tension she was careful to navigate, “I was mindful of the energy between the women and didn’t force certain emotions if they were not present. Everyone has a different dynamic. My job was to find that and document what I witnessed as honestly as possible.”

She was also interested in the more spiritual connection and recognizing the undeniable influence the women have on each other, “The mother-daughter relationship is profound and special. Beyond the mother’s physical aspect of carrying you for nine months, birthing you, and giving life, women/mothers are literally the portals between the physical and spiritual world. Our connection runs deep. It’s ancestral. Divinely planned. As children/daughters, we are like sponges, we observe, and we absorb. Sometimes it’s not always positive, but whatever our experience is with our mothers, it impacts who we are in any place of our lives, and I think there is so much we can learn from that.”

The process of creating the series deeply affected the women Shana worked with, as she explained, “Many of the women expressed their gratitude and shed a few tears of joy. I am forever grateful to everyone who trusted me and allowed me to create these moments with them.”

We spoke to some of the women featured to gain their perspective on the joy of their relationships and how they navigate the inevitable difficulties with grace and an open heart.

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Jeanette, Melanie, Amethyst and Manifest.

“My mom had me when she was 17 years old, we grew up together. Sometimes the dynamic can feel like best friend/big sister and because of that, we’ll clash, but the beauty of our relationship, and what I"‘m so grateful for, is that when we do disagree, it’s never damaging or permanent. We forgive immediately. We move on immediately. No grudges, no lingering low energy.

I wholeheartedly love my mom and know she loves me. That’s what the foundation of our bond is built on. LOVE.”

Mela

“Mothers are everything. They may not appear the way we think they will. Mothers are not always blood, or elders, or even women. For me, mothers are those who carry wisdom, strength and fluidity. Those who can hold us safe and nurtured like a womb and release us unconditionally.

Spending the last year with my mother and daughter urged me to look deeper into myself as a mother and respect and appreciate my role as a daughter. I have so much gratitude and pride in my mum and hope that my daughter and I share her strength and perseverance.

Whilst my mum and I share so much, I must never forget that we are from very different times and have lived different lives. I am learning not to be too hard on my mum and to let the past go. I want to focus on our relationship now, especially for my daughter’s sake. I am so lucky to have a mother I can always turn to for endless love and support despite our silly misunderstandings.”

Rita

“When Jay was growing up, there were many difficult times – especially the teenage years. I knew that Jay was discovering who she is. I supported anything that she wanted to do and let her know that all I ever wanted was for her to be herself, be happy, and live her life the way she wanted. It has been challenging at times, but we always made it through – that’s what a Mother/Daughter love is all about.”

Helen

“She admires me for my strength and resilience, but what she doesn’t recognize is that I get all of that from her. I wish she could see that as clearly as I do.

What I find most joyous is how fiercely supportive and unapologetically proud of me my mother is of me and all my choices in life. She has always accepted me for exactly who I am and enthusiastically cheers me on every step of the way. For that, I am eternally grateful, and a day doesn’t go by that I don’t recognize how lucky I am.”

Jay

“A joyful memory linked to my mom is when I think about my mom and dad ‘hustling’ (dancing) in the kitchen, at family functions, at ‘Dancing In The Park’ at Fort Greene Park in Brooklyn, and so many other places. Basically, they taught us how to dance.

My mom has been partying with my sisters, my partner and me since we were 21. It’s not a tag-along situation. We’d go to different house music parties in the summer. It’s an inclusive space where you can find people of all ages and backgrounds dancing under one sound.

My most memorable moment was when we were dancing to house music in the park when it started raining. Instead of people clearing out, the music kept playing. Everyone danced in the rain like a motion picture was being filmed. It was so much fun.”

Emani and Frances

“I will never forget the day, as a 7-year-old, I watched my mother, who had been working three jobs while studying and raising four children, graduate with her PhD – that woman is unbelievable. She has coached me through life with her calm humility.

We hold on to nothing! I could not imagine losing my mother knowing that something wasn’t right between us. We talk, I cry, she comforts, we laugh, we are mother and daughter.”

Abby

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